Reading this book gave me new insight into why I married my ex-husband. We were what the authors call "defaulters-those who become so enmeshed in a relationship before making a commitment that they never really know where dating ends and the relationship begins." After living together in college and then moving cross country together for his law school, we eventually felt obligated toward marriage. We'd joke that our grandchildren's running gag about us would be, "Our grandparents lived together for 30 years and were married for 3." So we ultimately married because we couldn't imagine living without each other-not because we were so deeply in love-but because our coupledom was such a comfortable and professional and economically sustaining habit and because everyone in our families treating us accordingly. It took this book to clarify the obvious: that dating is a process, dating is not the relationship. Based on a system of core values that started to emerge when we discussed having children, my ex and I couldn't have been more diametrically opposed in the areas of religion, lifestyle and balancing household responsibilities.
So, please, save yourself heartache and years of treading water in a wrong relationship. If you're not on the same page as your partner, it's because YOU didn't ask the right questions and align yourself with someone whose heart is in the same place as yours. You want to be with someone in whom you see greatness and who sees greatness in you. This book shows you how to take responsibility for who you really are and how to attract the partner who will help you realize your full potential.
Well, I'm only half-way through the book and have already drawn the conclusion that the information I've absorbed is invaluable. I am able to use examples provided in the book to reflect on past dating/relationship experiences and make connections with respect to the mistakes and errors in judgement that I have made in the past.
I fully intend to complete the reading and pass it on to a lady friend of mine who is also in relationship limbo.
My hope is that my future judgement lapses will be less and that I will not waste my time (and the time of others) in meaningless relationships.
I recommend this book to anyone on the dating circuit, regardless of religon. While the cost of a hardbound book can scare off potential readers, think of it this way: The cost of this book is far less than one bad date. I would much rather spend my time curled up on the couch with quality reading than spend an evening looking at my watch wondering when the "date" will end. And when that "bad date" ends, where will I be: At home, curled up on the couch reading or watching TV, a bad taste in my mouth and alot less money in my pocket. A no brainer to me.
Thank you Sue and Yaacov.
Instead, the book is about a general, goal-directed dating philosophy based heavily on the Jewish Talmud (book of wisdom) which is designed to help you find - you guessed it - your "soul mate". Yes, it's another one of those kinds of books. It turns people/men into relationship objects and dating into work, helping one develop the equivalent of a "Man Plan". (Yes, the book tries to be gender neutral but it's clearly aimed at a female audience.) The goal, of course, is that holy grail of modern womanhood, marriage and happily-ever-after-land.
One wonders when dating became so rule-laden. Even though the book is not very long, not to mention that it's broken down into inane bite-sized pieces, it doesn't seem probable that anyone trying to keep all this well-worn and old-fashioned advice in their head (if they don't already know the schtick) would be a very good date. It's especially annoying that the author's opinions are expressed as absolutes with continual cheery guarantees of eventual success if you just be yourself and do what they tell you to.
Among the sillier ideas presented is the one about developing a "dating team" of qualified adults to help you prepare for the big day and disassemble the happenings afterword. There are even questions to ask on dates, as one zooms in on whether he is The One.
I also thought their "key aspects of the personality" chart, which appeared a couple of times, was mostly bogus based on what I've studied about psychology. Doesn't the average consumer, in this world of nearly limitless choices, believe strongly that their possessions (the outermost and therefore least significant circle in their diagram) reflect their core values (the innermost circle in the diagram)? But the authors don't bother themselves with such considerations. Again, they simply state their half-baked notions as The Way It Is.
Books like this are one of the reasons *why* "today's dating scene can be brutal" (the book's very first sentence). But, hey, even a crummy strategy is better than none at all. It worked for them -- though I got the impression they developed all these ideas *after* getting married -- so it could work for you too. Dream on IMO.