The Secret of Overcoming Verbal Abuse: Getting Off the Emotional Roller Coaster and Regaining Control of Your Life
Author: Albert Ellis, Marcia Grad Powers
List Price: $12.00
Our Price: Click to see the latest and low price
ISBN: 0879804459
Publisher: Wilshire Book Co (October, 2000)
Sales Rank: 7,307
Average Customer Rating: 3.8 out of 5
Customer Reviews
Rating: 2 out of 5
blame game
I object to the "secret" or method of this book. Granted, the reader of this book will probably already be in a depressed state from abuse suffered, and the book takes the very questionable stance of blaming the victim for allowing abuse to happen. True, the victim is responsible for their own feelings, and the book gives good tips on building self-esteem enough to handle or diffuse abuse, but still, what the victim needs more than anything is empathy, understanding, and validation, not lectures which basically say "Your partner is abusing you because you don't love yourself enough" and "Your partner has the right to abuse you because you aren't doing anything to stop it". This is absolutely ludicrous! The reader then believes that they are "making" the abuser treat them like dirt, and that it's all the victim's fault, as if everyone is used to being abused by someone they love, who used to treat them like gold.This book is an out-and-out blaming of the victim. Patricia Evan's far-superior books on the subject sum it up appropriately: abuse, and abuse only, is the real problem, even if she does make the mistake of
presenting verbal abuse as a gender issue, which it is not.
This book never comes out and tells the victim what they really need to hear: You are not the cause of this (though your abuser would love to have you believe otherwise, also the authors of this book), you did nothing to warrant being treated like this (though the authors and your abuser would love to have you believe otherwise), and that it's not you that's messing up what was once a good relationship: your abuser is (though the authors and your abuser would love to have you believe otherwise).
Rating: 5 out of 5
If "something" is not right with your man - READ THIS BOOK
I am a male. I bought this book out of general interest, because I like Albert Ellis's books. This book answered one specific question for me. It had been puzzling me for a year and a half. Namely, why on earth did this woman who I cared for, keep rejecting me and going back to her old boyfriend who treated her like garbage, and occasionally struck her?
(Answer: Abuse creates strong feelings, which some women mistake for love).
I've had occasion to pass this book to a few female friends who I thought needed it, and to one who I knew didn't. The latter, who never takes any rubbish from anybody, found it a fascinating read - as it explained to her behaviour she observed in some men and women.
The beginning chapters outline what constitutes verbal abusive behaviour, and gives numerous examples.
One of the my female friends stated that it was an eerie experience, reading in point form, almost an exact script of what life with her ex husband had been like for the previous 20 years.
My other abused friend said, "Yes it's all true - except for the part about saying sorry - he never said that".
I can only draw one conclusion:
If you have a niggly feeling that things aren't quite right with either your new Prince Charming, or with the one who used to be Prince Charming - before you married him - you had better read this book.
Else you may waste 10 or 20 years on someone who, you will ultimately and grimly be forced to admit to yourself, never actually loved you. He was incapable of it from the beginning.
The techniques for dealing with abusive relationships are given in the later chapters. They are standard Rational Emotive Behaviour Therapy methods. They won't let you get away with a "Poor me, why did this have to happen to me?" type attitude.
Ultimately, you only get the behaviour that you tolerate.
If you are one of the unfortunate women stuck in this situation, you can at least take some solace - the book points out that you are not alone. Thousands of women are in a similar situation.
Rating: 5 out of 5
Erasing the Gray
This book by Dr. Ellis sounds like a weak rationalization for justifying the idolization of Darwin's Survival of the Fittest Theory for the Ignorant. It's too bad that it seems to be skewed toward domestic relations where the stronger partner has license to ignore the sensitivity or the humanity of the weaker partner. Unfortunately, this pattern is not limited only to intimate relations but appears upon every street corner as well as every street, if not on every playground. There seems to be little evidence of reactionary refusals included in attempts to set limits on such behavior. In most cases, the "stronger, more intelligent" person refuses to stoop to the level of the ignorant person who uses such tactics to try to control, ideally, to prevent wallowing in the stench of the ignorant persons who use this method pretending it represents control, power, and strength. In most cases, it's not worth the bother since such "acting out" by weak-minded persons don't deserve to have their poorly constructed "arguments" met with legitimate response, and are usually too ignorant to understand the benefit of alternative methods. This "typical bully behavior" that doesn't even rise to the level of legitimate S&M, much less pass for communication, deserves the only kind of response possible in such situations - complete dismissal because of its failed credibility. The public nusiance that it is, however aggravating, is best left to stew in its own disgraced juice, spiced by its own concoction of frustration. Why would it deserve more recognition than acknowledging its failings rooted more in its own ridiculous outbursts than by any legitimate concern that commands attention or authority? How can it be thought of as anything but ignorant? It sounds like a wonderful opportunity to appreciate the differences between black and white in areas where gray doesn't "wear well." Similar Products
Controlling People: How to Recognize, Understand, and Deal With People Who Try to Control You
The Emotionally Abused Woman : Overcoming Destructive Patterns and Reclaiming Yourself
Why Does He Do That: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men
Book Index