When You and Your Mother Can't Be Friends : Resolving the Most Complicated Relationship of Your Life
Author: Victoria Secunda
List Price: $14.95
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ISBN: 0385304234
Publisher: Delta (01 May, 1991)
Sales Rank: 30,561
Average Customer Rating: 4.5 out of 5
Customer Reviews
Rating: 5 out of 5
Healing and empathetic -- a blueprint for change
I read this book a couple of years ago, and it literally changed my life. For so many years I felt guilty about the tensions between my hyper-critical mother and myself -- as if it were somehow my fault that she got under my skin and that I should somehow be able to rise above it and simply accept her for who she is, which is what a lot of "experts" on this subject seem to suggest. Victoria Secunda takes a different perspective -- she looks at the situation from the daughter's point of view. Her first goal is to empathize with the daughters who are suffering from their mothers' unhealthy patterns, and to validate their feelings. She describes the "Bad Mommy Taboo," which is society's tendency to glorify the mother-daughter connection and condemn all valid negative feelings daughters might have toward their moms. This leaves the daughters feeling as if their pain is somehow their own doing; that daring to find fault with their mothers makes them horrible, ungrateful children. Thankfully, Secunda, by naming this syndrome, gives us permission to look at our mothers more objectively. I'm now at the stage where I am working on myself, trying to strengthen my boundaries and sense of self, because I now know my mother won't change -- she'll probably keep her critical ways for the rest of her life. My pain is real, however, and I'm working on transforming it. Secunda shows us how, and gives us hope that we don't have to prolong these patterns into the next generation. This book is a wonderful gift from the author to daughters everywhere. I marvel at the courage it must have taken to write it! Thank you Victoria Secunda!!!
Rating: 5 out of 5
Outstanding and Life Changing
If you have lived with a cruel mother, and suffered silently because you were too embarassed to tell anyone that your Mother didn't love you, this book will change your life. I read this book about 7 years ago, and it was the beginning of the end of my relationship problems, and general self loathing. Highly, highly recommend.
Rating: 5 out of 5
a brilliant book on a little-known subject
Secunda points out that our society abhors the idea of a "bad mother" -- it is almost fashionable to have a bad relationship with your father, but never with your mother. If you do, then it is assumed that something in the daughter is lacking. This book examines mother-daughter relationships, but there is advice that men can use as well.The book looks at different types of mothers (physically abusive, guilt-inducers, control feaks, etc) and gives case studies for eac one. Even more important, the book offers practical advice on how to handle each one, all the while acknowledging that it will probably never be easy. Secunda doesn't lie to you but she will try to help you. Very very good.
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