One of your reviews calls this "blaming the victim." I disagree!! Elgin provides tools to deal with verbal abuse, in contrast to others (Evans included) who conclude by advising that the relationship terminate, since there is generally no good way to handle the situation. Elgin's approach is empowering to both parties, her message is "You are NOT helpless and you do NOT have to run away from this!"
There's nothing in this book that will make you jump up and shout "Eureka! That's the solution!" But the truth is that there probably is no such solution.
What you WILL get from the book is a practical framework that you can build on to improve the situation. And, almost as important, to help you avoid the trial-and-error of trying out ways that don't really help in the long run.
I might have given this book 4 stars, but one other thing makes me push it up to 5: the attitude the book encourages toward the verbal abuser. Other books for victims of verbal abuse engender a lot of negative feelings, sometimes to the point of hate-mongering. This book, however, helps you manage the situation without encouraging ill-will.
If you are being hurt by what you feel are words spoken thoughtlessly, this book is for you. If you want to walk out the door of your home in the morning knowing you have more energy to face the world because you did not have to waste your strength is a fruitless family squabble, this book is for you. If you've always wanted to express yourself and your ideas more clearly and have them be received in the way you intend them, this book is definitely for you.
Because what is book is really about is learning precise, yet loving-kind language. This book is about communicating very well without hurting anybody.
On page 13, the author of this book, Dr. Suzette Haden Elgin, Ph.D. in Linguistics, shares a remarkable insight. She writes: "Chronic communication breakdown happens when we don't realize the source of a problem is language and we take it for granted that the problem is caused by a _person_."
If language precedes violence (and research shows that it does), it makes such good sense to be able to learn and speak the language and never have to worry about the violence. As a parent, journalist, and teacher for over 30 years, I needed this book. It helped me immensely at home and in my work. I highly recommend it.